Jonathan Something – Outlandish Poetica

I am somewhere in between the silver surfer’s dreams
Of Fantastic-4 erotica and doing something mean
Oh, will someone please just stop me ‘fore I say something obscene
I’m not intending to offend, I’m simply trying to set the scene
So, there I was just walking down the middle of the street
When in flies Larry Bird and the ’86 All Star Team
Yea yeah

I said, hey Larry man, yes it’s been a real long time
He said oh Jonny Baby could you maybe spare a dime?
I said I’m sorry Lar’ but I just don’t carry that kind of cash
Not since the great depression and that whole stock market crash
He said okay I understand, I’ve picked up on your clue
and that was that and Larry and the whole team off they flew
Oh ooh oh

So, I just kept on walking 2 or 3 feet at a time
Until I found myself a standin’ where the sun don’t seem to shine
And despite the lack of sunlight the reality was clear
I was currently residing, halfway up somebody’s rear
I yelled up to the heavens and the heavens yelled right back
A monumental roar that knocked me flat out on my ass.

Suddenly I’m sitting in the belly of the beast
The beast and all his brothers are just staring back at me
I feel like saying something, but before I get to speak
I’m upside down and bleeding, cut wide open cheek to cheek
They do the sacrificial dance and feed me to the boar
But I come back resurrected 10 times better than before

Now with one eye split wide open and 5 women on one arm
I tell the beastly brothers that I mean no one no harm
I grab my shoes and jacket and start to walk out the door
But then I realize my trousers feel much lighter than before
It must have been my ego that had blinded me to see
That I’d been bested by the one and only number “33”

Larry Bird really pulled the wool over me, uh huh